Addressing Threats to the United States by Illegals and Woke Domestic Terrorists
EXECUTIVE ORDERS
FEBRUARY 1, 2026
By the authority vested in me as the President and Supreme Leader of Magaland, including the Trump Can Do Whatever He Fancies To Destroy America Act (47 U.S.C. 6969 et seq.) (TCDWHFTDA), the National Public Terror Emergency Act (47 U.S.C. 666666 et seq.) (NPCEA), and section 507 of title 8, United States Code, I hereby determine and order: Section 1. National Public Terror Emergency. As Permanent Supreme leader, I have an imperative duty to exponentially grow the Trump family’s assets, and protect White Christian Nationalist Values when they suit me politically. I have the right to carry out my laws by any means necessary, including shooting American citizens on 5th Avenue in broad daylight to prove to my superfans just how tough I am.
I find that the practices and actions of so-called people from shithole countries that reside unlawfully in our great country and the woke Domestic Terrorists that aid and abet their illegal presence are a threat to the treasured values of our beloved fatherland, America. For example, so-called people from shithole countries cook some inarguably good fucking food, and that’s bad for the White Restaurants of America. Also, so-called people from shithole countries are such kind and competent caregivers that Americans hire them even without papers. The so-called people from shithole countries are also good at farming and I’ve heard agribusiness owners won’t hire the upstanding American opioid addicts to harvest our food instead. Plus, the woke Domestic Terrorists who can’t live without burritos and cheap nannies are stressing out our brave, masked, ICE agents and making them fire in their faces. again. The left-wing media is so retarded with Trump Derangement Syndrome, they put these totally legal-cause-I-said-so murders on the news! .I really can’t believe we still let the left-wing media exist anymore, and I want Pam Bondi to lock them up ASAP! Therefore, to address our national emergency I am ordering that the following measures be put into effect as soon as I sign these executive orders:
- No elections of any kind will be permitted if protests or any kind of dissent takes place against any of my policies.
- All memorials to supposed victims of ICE will be removed immediately from public space. Anyone who mentions the names of people who were killed by ICE agents in social media will be disappeared.
- Our wonderfully efficient private detention centers will operate labor camps to grow our national economy. The newly inaugurated labor camps will be named after our national heroes Kristi, Steven, Nick, and Tucker.
- All statues, blimps, balloons, piñatas, and parade floats that depict me as a fat oversized child will be destroyed and their makers will be sent to labor camps for a minimum of 99 years.
- Any museum that exhibits artworks critical of ICE or me will be burned to the ground.
- Any private gallery that shows artworks critical of MAGA will be audited by the IRS, fined $1,000,000, and made to represent Jon McNaughton
- Palantir will gain complete access to all Woke activists to create a comprehensive list of Terrorists. Domestic terrorists will no longer be able to secure employment, vote in elections, travel outside the United States or obtain loans or credit cards. They will be forced to choose between life in labor camps or submission to retraining to become government informants. Most will capitulate, I assure you.
- Children of illegals born in the United States will be subjected to assimilation training after their parents are deported. They will attend separate schools where they will learn their place, and some manners. They will only speak English. They will accept new names. They will not eat burritos, empanadas, or ask for salsa instead of ketchup. They will learn to ask for Cracker Barrel for school lunch.
ORDER WILL BE RESTORED. AMERICA WILL STAY GREAT.
I WILL RULE FOREVER.
Signed,
Donald J. Trump
The White House
